What I Want
by redtrouble
Summary: One-shot Shoker fic. Total lemon. Joker and Shepard have been indulging in each other for quite some time... but he wants more.


"Ah… ah… ah…"

Her gasps and moans filled his ears and his mind. He had her hips between his hands and, from his position standing over her, could see her long, thin fingers grip the sheets even tighter. She was bent over her bed and he was sliding in and out of her from behind, harder and faster—just liked she begged for it.

"Shepard…" he groaned, clawing at her skin as his erection swelled inside of her with each thrust. If he hit her any harder, he was going to come. He couldn't let that happen until she was full up on pleasure herself.

"Joker…" she muttered between her breathy exclamations. "Don't—ah—stop…"

He couldn't stop, even if he wanted to. His legs began shaking, knees feeling weak, and he knew he was nearly spent. He hoisted her hips higher on his groin and gripped tightly. She gasped and clenched the sheets again, yanking them as she squirmed.

"Oh god…" she cried. "Joker! Please!"

He pounded harder upon her whimpering. He'd always thought the porn stars crying out phrases like "oh yes" and "oh god" was corny, but when Shepard did it… it drove him insane.

"Oh shit, Shepard…" he muttered, feeling the sudden rush through his erection around her clenching walls. Pleasure spiked throughout his body as he released inside of her at the same time she quivered from ecstasy.

/

Joker ran a towel over his head and scrubbed just twice before he tossed the cloth and slapped his SR2 hat back on. He walked out of the bathroom, still steamy from his shower, and made his way to the cockpit, the memory of his last encounter with Shepard fresh in his mind.

_That was a close one,_ he thought. Her orgasm had miraculously arrived with his. _Pull yourself together,_ he said to himself. He couldn't bear to release before his commander. That would be… embarrassing. No. _Horrific._

Joker dropped into his chair and ran a systems check. He knew everything was green, but what else could he do? He was pulling a double and exciting things rarely happened on the graveyard shift. He spent half-an-hour pretending to do important things and, thankfully, EDI never mentioned it. She approved of scrutiny but he was only especially meticulous whenever he was trying to distract himself from uncomfortable thoughts he was procrastinating confronting.

When he ran out of things to do, he sighed to himself and slumped against the leather. It had been months since he and Shepard had started their relationship. Well, he wasn't sure what to call it. "Relations" for sure, but they weren't dating or anything. They barely spoke when they were together intimately. They just… fucked.

Joker ran his hand over his face in agitation, knocking his cap up a couple centimeters.

"Fuck…" he muttered.

For Joker's part, it was more than sex. He'd fallen for her shortly after they started working together. At first, she was just another hot woman to remind him of how he wasn't getting any; he harbored no ill will, and eventually came to respect her as his commander. After Therum, he caught a glimpse of a concerned expression and a caring smile when she dealt with the asari they'd rescued. He remembered thinking that it was really nice she had such heart for her team. Then Noveria brought on the issue from the Council about how she could possibly let the rachni queen live. He wanted to defend her, but her rebuttal was firm and civil.

"Nice tongue," he'd said out loud; no one heard him, of course—he'd been alone on the bridge. But after saying it, an image of kissing her popped into his head and it wouldn't get out. After he'd thought he lost her on Feros, his panic proved to him that he cared for her in a way that he shouldn't. And it had spiraled out of control from there.

Of course, her dying had traumatized him, especially since he was responsible for it. But when she was brought back and he had the chance to fly with her again, he promised himself not to let anything go unsaid. Truth be told, he still hadn't followed through with that promise. He had no idea how to tell her he loved her—especially not after everything that had happened.

Their first sexual encounter had shocked him speechless, and he'd been suffering from it ever since.

/

Joker had often spent the night shift watching asari sluts getting it on with various human partners on the extranet. No one had ever bothered him—none that hadn't announced themselves before giving him a chance to switch screens to ship schematics.

That night was no different. He was ten minutes into the latest Azure flick when he felt feminine hands on his shoulders and neck. Joker jumped and ripped the speakers from his ears as he twisted to see who had come upon him.

Shepard was grinning at him in a way he'd never seen before, wearing a button-down pajama shirt and cotton shorts.

"Geez, Commander," he blurted, pulling on his usual jesting tone. "You just scared me out of an erection. A man has needs, you know. Next time knock, will ya?"

Sure, it wasn't exactly professional, but neither was being caught watching porn. To his surprise, Shepard didn't seem disappointed. She glanced up at the screen and her gaze lingered there, forcing him to turn and inspect whatever action he might be missing. He felt her fingertips caressing his jaw, lightly scratching through his beard.

"Commander?" he asked, hoping she couldn't hear the crack in his voice. He was uncomfortable and confused. _What the fuck is she doing?_ he thought. _And whatever it is… please don't stop…_

"Sh," she hissed. He felt her fingertips on his lips, tracing their shape, and then she pushed her index between them. The salty taste of her skin as she sought the warmth and wet of his mouth was divine.

At first, he wasn't sure if he should, but it took less than a second for his body to affirm that he would. His tongue rose up to meet her and he gently suckled her appendage, savoring the taste of her flesh and every finger she dipped into his mouth.

He felt her lips by his ear and her hot breath tickled him.

"You have needs, Lieutenant?" she whispered. _Fuck yes,_ he replied in his head. She withdrew her hands and spun him around to face her. He was terrified and awed at the same time—terrified she'd see the erection already pitched in his pants and in awe that this was actually happening.

She unbuttoned her nightshirt and pulled it apart so that he could see the curves of her breasts, nipples hard and begging to be nursed.

"This kind of need?" she asked, gently lifting one of her brows. He mentally stammered but couldn't find a reply that actually made it to his throat. She stepped closer to him and carefully crawled onto his chair until she straddled him. "Tell me, Lieutenant. What exactly do you _need_?"

His hands went to her breasts first, squeezing them tightly. He was amazed at how perfectly they filled his palms. His tongue eagerly went after one of her nipples as his fingers tweaked and pinched the other. He sucked and licked and nibbled, praying that this was real. Her excited gasps and breathy moans spurred him on until he aggressively bit her breast and caused her to cry out.

_Calm down,_ he commanded himself as he shifted to her other nipple, eager to please with equal care. Her hips shifted against his groin and he wondered how much she was enjoying this. His free hand pushed up through a leg of her shorts and connected with the curves of her inner thighs, swollen behind soaking wet panties.

He groaned against her nipple, finding it utterly sexy that she was already so turned on. He teased her with his fingertips, lightly stroking through the cloth. She made a whimpering noise that made him even harder. When her hips thrust up to meet his fingers, he pushed her panties to the side and invited himself in.

Shepard gasped when he plunged inside of her, tight walls clenching around his fingers, and her hands gripped his shoulders.

"Geezus, Shepard," he breathed against her chest. "You're so fucking wet…"

He plunged between her inner thighs, massaging her lips and clit between thrusts inside of her. Her hips were rotating against his fingers, driving him utterly crazy. His tongue lapped at her breasts and nipples, teeth grazing her delicate skin. Her panting increased and he could tell she was nearing her climax.

Finally, the gushing of her slick honey covered his hand as she cried out. Her chest rose and fell with deep breaths and he was already thinking about everything else he was going to do to her body that night. He was far from finished. But her blue, hazy gaze suddenly focused on something behind him. He didn't make the connection until she scooted off his lap and buttoned her top. The door hissing open behind her caused his heart to nearly jump out of his chest and he spun around to hide his arousal under the console.

/

Joker's hand slid from his face and he pulled his hat back down on his head. Shepard had left him to hear the droning of a fellow crewman reporting what he thought was unusual activity. That night, he was left to relieve himself, and it took two meetings with his right hand before his libido was satisfied.

The next time he saw her, she acted as though nothing had happened. He called her commander, and she was all business. It wasn't until after she'd gotten back from Tuchanka on a mission ending with Grunt's acceptance into clan Urdnot that he was convinced their cockpit tryst wasn't a dream.

/

Joker had met the shore party in the hangar when they returned to the ship.

"Gya, you're filthy," he told them as he headed for the shuttle to inspect a weird circuit short. Grunt pounded his palm with his fist and growled happily as he vacated the hold. Jack slung sludge from her arms, muttering something about a week's worth of filth and a long, hot shower.

He chuckled and slipped to the other side of the shuttle. He popped the circuit board but, before he could start piddling, he noticed Shepard in his peripherals.

"What happened to you, Commander?" he asked. "Did you roll around in the stuff?"

She was covered in mud and sweat and blood, index finger still on the trigger of her assault rifle. The animalistic glare in her blue eyes was feral. He recognized the lust almost instantly and felt his throat tighten. She dropped her gun and came toward him. He managed to back up an inch before she reached him. Her kiss was hard and fast, tongue aggressively pushing into his mouth. He kissed her back, hungry for more, and his engine went from flaccid to rock hard in point-zero-three seconds.

He helped her out of her armor, careful not to damage anything in his fervor, but when it came time to remove his clothes, she clawed at them, yanking and tearing. There was no foreplay this time. She forced him to the ground and onto his back, miraculously not breaking his delicate bones, and instantly straddled him. Her voluptuous body, slick with sweat and mud, poised over his erect cock like a porn star and he nearly came just looking at her.

"Shepard—" he started, but she silenced him by plunging onto him. "Oh _fuck_," he groaned under her cry. She immediately began grinding on him, thrusting her hips against his with animalistic fury. "Dirty girl…" he muttered. She moaned in response, pleased by his assessment. Her tight walls hugged his pulsating erection, forced to stretch under his thickness with every plunge. It was fucking amazing.

He wasn't going to last. It was too intense.

"Shepard!" Joker cried. He reached up and grabbed her arms; his grip suffered under the slick and gritty mud but he managed to find a hold. He squeezed her arms into her body and pulled her down, forcing her to stop. "Please," he begged. "I can't—"

But she refused to hear him out. She bit her lower lip and rotated her hips; she lifted her perfect ass into the air and dropped down, still managing to fuck him at the pace she wanted.

"Fucking dirty girl…" he groaned.

His grip weakened as the pleasure assaulted his brain and she freed her arms, supporting herself by her elbows. As her wet core bounced on his cock, her breasts bounced against his face.

"Fuck… fuck…" he sputtered, clawing at her gorgeous body.

He nipped at her tender, erect nipples and snapped at her breasts. His fingers dug into her ass, helping her rhythm as his own hips rose to pound into her. She, somehow, came first. When it was his turn, she pulled off of him and let his seed pump out onto her stomach and chest. She was filthy… and beautiful as hell.

Her fingertips slipped through his cum and she brought one finger to her mouth, tasting him between pouty lips.

"You call me 'dirty girl'," she whispered, "but you're just as filthy as me…"

Her grin almost had him ready for round two.

/

_Okay,_ Joker thought. _Enough with the reminiscing._ He was turning himself on with that walk down memory lane. Since that incident, they'd found many creative ways to collaborate and in various places around the ship. If it wasn't so taboo to fraternize, he'd warn the crew about half the places they sat. He'd lost track of how many times he'd thought, _you don't wanna put your hand there, buddy…_ Alas, he could only watch in silence as his fellow crewmates unknowingly wallowed in the invisible remnants of his and Shepard's forbidden encounters.

Mordin had sensed the extra pheromones, at the very least, because he announced it once when he and Joker were alone on the bridge.

"Didn't realize sexual desire could manifest under such dire circumstances," he'd said. "Personal fetish?" he guessed. "Blood, gore, battle—no. Not compatible with psychological profile. Combat tension often considered carnal. Erotic response? Possible." He kept going, rambling quickly with his usual deductive reasoning. "Perhaps genetic nature to preserve species unrestrained due to prolonged, life-threatening risk, resulting in an increase in reproductive behavior."

Joker's jaw had dropped. The last thing he wanted to do at that point in time was reproduce with Shepard. He couldn't even get her to say she _liked_ him; having kids was way beyond the scope of their capabilities.

What got him was this: it was always on her terms, always what she wanted, and she gave him nothing more. Whenever he tried to talk to her, she silenced him or refused to speak. Outside of the bedroom—metaphorical, since they rarely managed to screw each other in a bed—they were able to talk and joke like normal. But that was when they were Commander Shepard and Flight Lieutenant Moreau. When she was vulnerable… when she was a woman and he was a man… she never let him inside in any other way than his dick.

Over the months, he'd grown more agitated. At first, it was a dream come true. He loved her and he got to make love to her. He'd thought that their sexual affair had meant something. But the more time that passed, he felt like she was a hit and run. Like sex friends. But he didn't want to be sex friends anymore. He wanted to be with her, not just her velvety inner thighs.

He'd even tried to tell her once.

/

Joker knew it was her the moment the doors behind him hissed open; she only further confirmed it when she slipped her arms around him, hugging his neck. He could feel her chest pressing to the back of his head and demanded his body to resist.

"Commander," he said coolly, decidedly celibate until she spoke to him, told him what they really were.

"Why so cold?" she asked musically, and he could hear the pouting in her voice. He turned his head toward her and caught her eyes.

"What is this we keep doing and why won't you talk to me?" he asked firmly. She immediately dodged his gaze and her lips closed. He shrugged. "Alright," he said. "I'll answer your questions when you start answering mine."

He was convinced she'd leave, offended, and was stunned when she started climbing into his lap. He tried to resist, but couldn't—afraid any sudden movements would snap his bones in half.

"What the hell, Commander," he exclaimed. "I'm trying to fly your ship here."

It was a pathetic excuse. He could fly the ship in his sleep. She narrowed her gaze on him and reached out, pulled his hat off of his head and placed it on her own. _Damn,_ he thought. She was beyond sexy.

"So fly my ship," she said and started grinding against him. He was paralyzed by her words, finding the fantasy a little too hot to ignore. He tried to command his body to resist, but it had already given her its undivided attention, and she smiled when she felt the attention pressing into her sex.

She slipped out of her shirt and he wasn't surprised to find she wasn't wearing anything underneath—not even underwear. He could feel how wet she was soaking into his pants and whatever weak resistance was left quickly dissolved.

He reached for her glorious chest, wanting to darken the fading bruises from a previous episode, but she shoved them away.

"I said fly my ship, Lieutenant." Her voice was hard with an order and he was momentarily arrested. Was she serious? He tried again but got the same response.

Joker eased his hands up to the console and took control of the virtual flight wheel. The moment he did, she unzipped his pants and freed him from the restrained cloth. Her wet depth sunk onto him and he tried to hold her again. She stopped moving and shoved his hands away, refusing to move again until he obeyed her.

"You're my pilot and I'm your commander," she muttered. "Now do as I say and fly my ship, Joker."

He fought against his own nature to obey her order, excited by the fact that their sexual deviance had bled into their professional personas. That night, she rode him hard and so he gave her the ride of her life. He didn't need to see the console to put the Normandy through her paces. He fired up the thrusters and made the ship dance through the starry universe to the rhythm of their love-making.

They hit the mass relay when they reached their climax, and he could tell Shepard had been utterly amazed by the performance.

/

Joker wiped the smile from his lips when he came out of the memory. He was supposed to be angry that he'd given in to her desires when she would never give in to his. He knew he was going to have to try twice as hard to come up with another strategy to break her.

A yawn hit him and he cursed in the back of his mind. Walking was trouble and he hated to think about the trek down to the crew deck just for a cup of coffee. After the second yawn, the doors behind him opened and he eased around in his chair to see who had invaded his privacy.

Shepard passed him a cup and he gawked at the steaming liquid inside. It smelled like heaven.

"You read my mind," he muttered as he took the styrosteel cup and sipped the scalding coffee. She offered half-a-smile and leaned against the support bar, keeping her cup mid-body as it cooled. "What brings you up this late?"

"I couldn't sleep," she admitted, then added with a smile, "besides, I thought you could use some company, Joker."

He sipped his coffee apprehensively, working up the nerve to ask one of the questions he'd been pondering for quite some time.

"Why don't you ever call me Jeff?" he blurted. She looked taken aback and was silent for a beat.

"Why don't you call me Saia?" she countered. He had to remember to close his gaping jaw after his seconds of stammering failed to produce a response.

He stewed in the silence, growing angrier with every passing minute. Mad at her, mad at himself—he wasn't quite sure anymore. He guessed he was mostly mad that she actively avoided seeing how crazy he was about her.

"Hey," she called, pulling him out of his thoughts. "Come here." Her tone was gentle and, hell, concerned even.

He spun around in his chair and carefully stood up.

"What's up?" she asked, peering at his gloomy expression under the bill of his cap. "Are you okay?"

He refused to answer. If she couldn't see the obvious, he wasn't going to make it any easier by telling. He pulled his hat off and gently planted it on her head, loving the way she looked with it on. She cocked her head to the side, confused.

"Cute," he whispered and waited for her reaction. She furrowed one brow, which meant she was curious. "Why do you always come up here, Commander?" he asked. "Why do you always wanna see me?"

She seemed careful when she replied.

"You've always been…"

"A friend?" he finished for her.

"Yes," she agreed, but her word was faulty, as though she were going to say, "yes but…" She didn't continue, however.

Joker purged his nervous energy with a quick sip of coffee, moistened his lips with a flick of his tongue, and bent his head as he leaned in close.

His lips brushed against hers so lightly, she didn't even respond. He pressed a little harder, gently provoking reciprocation. He was successful. She parted her lips and returned his kiss. It was slow, loving, sensual... He only wanted to tell her how much he loved her.

But she was already determined to do something else. She took the cup from his hands and set it next to hers on the console. When she kissed him again, it was much more intense and pushed over the border into sexual territory. She wrapped her arms tight around his neck and her thigh lifted, rubbing against his leg.

He was so weak against her, he nearly gave in. He was at his breaking point where he realized he was too crazy about her to not be with her, even if impersonal sex was the only way he could do it. One last swell of defiance spiked through him, however, and he decided that if he could not win this one last fight, he'd give up trying.

Joker grabbed her arms and pushed her away from him, turning her to the left and pressing her against the wall. He pinned her wrists above her head and glared down at her.

"No," he said firmly. "We're going to do what _I_ want."

Her eyes lit up, intrigued. She tried to wriggle forward but he slammed her wrists back against the wall insistently. That got her attention. He leaned in and kissed her again, finding his hunger for her had grown in just a few moments. His free hand glided up her waist and side then dropped down. He slipped under her shirt and slid back up, loving the feel of her silky skin.

He released her wrists and let her hug him. He wanted her arms around him, wanted to feel enveloped by her. His slow pace quickened beyond his control and he recognized that he wanted her. So the battle was over. He'd lost…

Shepard stripped out of her clothes, taking her sweet time as she made a show for him.

"Is this what you want?" she teased, and he couldn't deny that he liked it.

It was his turn next. She peeled off his clothes, piece by piece, and ran her lips and hot breath across his skin with nearly every movement. He closed his eyes and shuddered when she dropped to remove his pants. Her lips brushed the head of his erection and he visibly trembled.

"Is this what you want?" she asked. It took all of his strength to look at her, kneeling in front of him with her mouth so close to him. It was a courtesy question in her little game, acting under the guise that she was following his orders. She was sailing under his colors, true enough, but she was the captain, not him.

"Yes," he replied huskily. He pretended he was in control by adding, "Suck me…"

She obliged, taking him fully in her hot mouth. Her tongue glided over his shaft as she created a steady back-and-forth rhythm. She suckled gently at first, building momentum. The deeper she took him, the harder she sucked, swallowing everything she pulled out of him. His head tilted back, lids fluttering closed, and he lost control of his brain to her effective mind control.

He felt something hot behind his eyelids and realized it was tears. He loved her so fucking much it was painful.

"Stop," he demanded, but she ignored him. He grabbed her hair, feeling rage build up inside of him, and she stopped to peer up at him with her big, round, blue eyes. His gaze summoned her to standing.

When she was eyelevel again, Joker crushed her mouth with his. He pulled her into him by the small of her back and spun her around then lowered her into his chair. He pressed on top of her, lost in her mouth, and let his hard, wet cock slid inside of her waiting and swollen lips.

"Joker!" she hissed.

He rammed into her with several good thrusts, trying to stop himself from crying.

"It—ah! It hurts," she whimpered, but he didn't stop or even pretend to care.

He grabbed another fistful of her red hair and yanked her head back, burying his nose in her neck. He kissed and licked and nibbled her throat, working his wrath out in cruel movements that caused her to cry out. He wanted her to scream—to hurt—to feel exactly how she made him feel every second they were in the same room together.

And then Joker broke.

He stopped moving and slumped against her. She took deep breaths and waited in the silence for something to happen; he knew she must be confused that he hadn't come. Finally, she tipped her head up and looked down at his face buried against her collarbone.

"Is this what you want?" she asked quietly, hesitant. He met her eyes, tears down his face, and could tell he'd shocked her.

"What I want is for you to tell me you love me, too," he whispered.

Shepard's cheeks flushed bright red at his confession and he noticed, for the first time, the nervousness in her eyes.

"I thought you already knew…" she muttered and looked away.

"What?" he asked but she wouldn't give him eye contact. "Look at me!"

She forced her eyes to meet his.

"Tell me…" he begged.

"I… I do…" Her words were fumbled and she blushed even brighter in embarrassment. "I do love you. I-I thought…" She shut her eyes tight but he caught her by the chin with his index and thumb and she opened them again. "I thought you were only interested in sex…"

The tension in his body snapped and he collapsed onto her, so emotionally exhausted that his body felt the effects.

"This whole time…" he said into her skin, "I've been agonizing over how you felt about me. Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I was afraid you'd lose interest if you thought I was becoming emotionally involved."

He lifted his head.

"Why?" he wanted to know. "Why would you—"

"You told Taylor and Garrus that you didn't need a woman who stuck around, that she'd just be clingy and demanding. You said girlfriends were needy and too much trouble."

He gaped at her as he remembered his own words he'd carelessly muttered at dinner one night. It had just been for show—the usual "I don't need anyone" ramblings he hid his insecurities behind. In truth, he was afraid Shepard would notice his feelings for her and shun him. Living with Vrolik's, he was more used to rejection than he was to breathing.

"Oh god…" he muttered. "No, I… I'm such an idiot… I was just being a jerk. I didn't mean it," he explained. "I swear to you, I didn't mean it." Joker clung to her tightly. "I've been trying to tell you all this time… I love you."

Shepard's shy smile caused his heart to flutter.

"I love you, too," she replied as he drank her in—how beautiful she was. Finally, he was able to smile at her.

When he leaned up to kiss her, she met his lips with unbridled love.


End file.
